PROGRAMMER'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle would soon be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!
on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete!
His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the systems came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
Anonymous, unfortunately.
If you know who wrote this, please send me an E-mail.
A CHRISTMAS VISIT TO EBAY 'Twas
the Night Before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, but me and my mouse
I eagerly sat at my PC with care
Booted it up and my Windows were there
I typed in my screen name, then password and click
I was on EBAY, just me and St. Nick
I checked out the status of all my high bids
I upped the reserve on a gift for the kids
That being done, I was ready to play
So, I keyed in a search for New Listings Today
When what to my wondering eyes should behold?
Just four thousand, eighty-nine items in bold
The Gallery Preview, I scrolled and I browsed
My cravings were heightened, but just not aroused
An old clockwork nodder, a scarce sisal bough
But I needed something to purchase right now!
Who better to buy for and lavish upon?
One stroke on my keypad to Go, Going, Gone!
"Transferring Document" What takes so long?
Five percent, ten percent, what could be wrong?
There was no scheduled maintenance; EBAY's just slow!
Then two items appeared in a Yuletide glow
A pot metal Reindeer which left me bereft
And a Belsnickle Santa with two minutes left
Three pictures loaded, in focus and clean
A Solemn old Santa, the best that I've seen!
He seemed a bit pricey, but who could resist?
I hope there's no snipers, 'cause they get me pissed!
One minute more, there's no time to bid twice
I'll just have to offer my best highest price
Submitting it now. The reserve has been met.
You're the high bidder, wow! Just how good can it get?
Ten seconds, five now, refreshed and reposed
The bidding has ended, this auction is closed!
Good God, what a moment! Comparison's fail
Then all of a sudden a voice, "You've Got Mail"
I opened it quickly, the seller did query
"Do you have intentions to buy that now, dearie?"
My reply would be brief, just a quick cut and paste
"Dear, Snowman@Earthlink" my fast fingers raced
A Postal M.O. No, I know you'll be moved
I'll pay it with Billpoint, it's EBAY approved!
Just one more peek at my rosy cheeked Elf
He's just the right size for my prize mantle shelf
It was late and my eyes were all glassy and pink
When I noticed my Belsnickle gave me a wink!
Then a voice from my speakers, which gave me a fright
"MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and to ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
The Net Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer Made a soft beep.
As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.
His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was Jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,
He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire. |
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